Smooth start at Kita

The first day at daycare is a milestone for many families – and often an emotional challenge. For children, a whole new world begins; for parents, it's a farewell to familiar routines. Family coach Vanessa Cristalli explains why settling in is so much more than an organizational transition – and what it means for a child's development.

 

Why is the settling-in phase at daycare so important? 

The settling-in period lays the foundation for care. For young children, daycare is often the first new bonding experience outside the family. And it's similar for children as it is for us in a new job: we first have to find our footing and build trust with colleagues. It's similar for children, only significantly more important. For them, new attachment figures are introduced.

  

What does that mean specifically?

When children are upset and their entire nervous system is under stress, they need the security of an attachment figure to regulate themselves. This is called co-regulation. At home, ideally, parents do this. At daycare, a caregiver must take on the role of an attachment figure. However, it's important that parents are not replaced by this. Rather, a new attachment figure is added. 

 

That doesn't sound like introducing a new attachment figure would happen quickly.

That varies from child to child. Some children settle in quickly. Others take significantly longer. The child's age also plays a role, as does whether it's their first time in daycare or if they already have experience, for example, with a nursery or a childminder.

  

How much time should parents roughly plan for?

Common settling-in models suggest 3 to 4 weeks. However, I would rather allow double that, so 6 to 8 weeks. Then parents don't feel time pressure. Because often, work starts after a successful settling-in period. So, it's better to plan for a buffer.

 

Besides time pressure, are there other challenges for parents during this time?

Definitely. Many parents are unsure about their exact role during the settling-in period. This is completely understandable, as it is a new and often emotional situation for everyone involved. In this phase, it can happen that parents withdraw a little – sometimes more than is good for themselves or the child. However, it is important that they continue to see themselves as an active part of the process and take their own intuition seriously. Some parents put a lot of pressure on themselves beforehand and feel that they have to prepare their child or train them in certain things.

 

Practice? What exactly do you mean by that?

It was like that for me with my eldest daughter. She was an absolute owl, and I thought, "This won't work in daycare! She has to sleep earlier!" So I tried to introduce that at home beforehand. But it was a disaster, the child wasn't tired, and it was a struggle. When she actually started daycare, it resolved itself. That's why I always tell parents: Don't double the pressure on yourselves! Sleeping, eating, breastfeeding – these are all things that sort themselves out in daycare. You don't have to practice, start, or stop anything beforehand. It usually works simply through group dynamics. And if there are challenges, you can react to them specifically.

 

So, as parents, should we do nothing beforehand?

What I find very positive is that some daycare centers offer children the opportunity to come for a trial afternoon. I think this is a great opportunity to get to know the premises and the atmosphere in a relaxed way. If the daycare center offers something like this, you should definitely take advantage of it.

  

Is there a settling-in model you prefer?

Basically, I believe that one should not stick to a rigid program. Every child and every settling-in period is individual, and one should also consider the very specific needs of that child.

  

How important is the relationship between parents and staff during the settling-in period? 

Very important! It's essentially about the relationship triangle: parents – child – specialist. Children sense when parents don't feel comfortable in the facility or are dissatisfied with the situation. But they can only feel secure if their parents exude security. That's why it's important for parents to be open with the specialist, even if they have concerns.

 

That's probably not always easy.

That's true. If parents feel that something isn't working the way their child or they need it to, they should still address it. There's no point if the child's or parents' boundaries are overstepped during the settling-in period. However, it's important not to blame the professional. "I" messages are better because they de-escalate. So rather: "I've observed the following. What can we do to make it better?"

 

But that doesn't always work, does it? 

That depends on various factors. But parents can pay attention to such things when choosing a daycare. Of course, the food at the daycare or the facilities are important. But parents should above all have a good feeling. Because the relationship between parents and staff is key. Openness should be possible.

 

Is there anything else parents can look out for?

I always find it important to observe how professionals react in conflict situations. What if the child doesn't want to eat or sleep? Doesn't want to go into the garden or resists getting dressed? Here, the attitude of the professionals is important. How would they react in such situations? Do they rely on something like a time-out or other punishment? Or can they plausibly explain to parents what other strategies they use in such situations? In my opinion, these are crucial attitude questions that parents can clarify early on.

 

A settling-in period is an intense phase for young children. Do parents also observe different behavior at home?

Potentially. Children process things at night. Therefore, nights can be significantly more restless. And falling asleep can also be more difficult. Because that is a separation situation. If children experience a separation during the day at daycare, they might not want to separate from their parents in the evening. Many parents are also surprised by how different behavior can be at home and at daycare.

 

Why is that?

Often parents hear that everything went perfectly at daycare. But at home: big emotions, perhaps a lot of anger or a breakdown. All of that can happen. When parents tell me something like that, I always tell them: Congratulations – you did everything right. Because your home is a safe haven for your child. Here, they can let everything out. And that is often necessary. Because a daycare day, while full of play, is still a real workday for small children and very exhausting. They have to cooperate a lot, follow rules, and adapt. At home, they then let off steam. That is not directed against the parents.

  

Can parents support the settling-in process at home?

Settling in is a big adjustment for children. I therefore always advise ensuring as much stability as possible during this time and changing as little as possible at home. Of course, this is not always feasible; sometimes you've just moved or a sibling is on the way. Nevertheless, children benefit when their home life is as stable as possible. Parents should also observe their child at home. Do they notice any changes in personality? Does the child not want to go to daycare? Do they often complain of stomach aches? Parents should take all of this seriously, support their child's feelings, and follow up if conflicts at daycare are reported. For very young children who cannot yet speak properly, good observation is particularly important.

  

When is a settling-in period actually completed?

The settling-in period is complete when the new primary caregiver is a good co-regulator for the child. Tears when dropping off are, of course, still allowed. It's important that the professional can guide this well, conveying: "I see and understand you, and I will help you." This doesn't mean distraction, but truly accompanying their feelings.

 

Are there situations where acclimatization fails?

These situations exist. Sometimes, things just don't click, for both parents and the child. Parents might not feel comfortable with the staff, and the child doesn't feel secure. In other cases, everything seems to fit, but acclimatization still fails.

What could be the reason for that?

Very young children, in particular, develop rapidly. Sometimes, a child might be so busy with their own development that they don't have the capacity for acclimatization. In such cases, they primarily need their closest caregivers and cannot separate.

And then?

Then parents can simply try again in 2 to 3 weeks, provided that the other conditions are suitable for everyone involved.

What would you advise parents who are about to start the acclimatization process?

General advice is always difficult, of course. What applies to everyone: Let it unfold and react individually to your child. Find out what gives you security – as parents, but also your child. And: Trust your gut feeling. Because even if you are dealing with professionals, you know your child best. If you don't have a good feeling, then address it openly.

You can find more scientifically sound information on early childhood development from 0-3 years, over 650 activities, and much more in the mo:mo app.